Cast Away Your Anxiety, Trust in Me

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.
– Hebrews 10:35 (NIV)

Last night before going to bed, I noticed a leak of fluid. It made anxiety rise in my heart. The nurse said it was normal after a breakage, but my heart sank in worry. It's that feeling you get when you try everything to not be nervous, but no matter what your legs shake. It reminded me of the feeling I had the first night on the way to Saint Mary's when just the leakage began, and we at the time had no idea what it was. I remember being in the passenger seat and just saying "it is okay, God and Josh are here. Please relax.. Calm down....". Eventually, I calmed after James did his best to comfort me. I still had anxiety as it continued to leak randomly through the night. It usually would occur right after a visit to the restroom, so I didn't look forward to restroom visits through the night. I ended up going on to You Tube and listening to Christian relaxing music to just fall asleep and try to relax, as I did my best also to stay cool as my legs sweated with the leg squeezers on my legs since I don't get a whole lot of movement being in the bed all day. I also reminded myself I am okay, God and Josh are right here.

Before I knew it, it was 6 in the morning and the nurse was in preparing me for the IV, and I was still tense, but then I read the Bible readings of the day, and read the Bible verse of the day. I began this post with the Bible Verse of the day because it was a God Moment for me. When I read that, I knew at that moment, God knew exactly how I felt and was reassuring me, " relax my child, I am right with you. Stay confident in me. I will get you through this according to my loving will, all will be alright my child."

First I got to eat some breakfast uncertain how my body would take it as the nurses warned me that I could be nautious in the 24 hr period. I decided to eat some Honey Nut Cheerios and a banana nut muffin with milk. Then the time had arrived.... My day nurse had arrived, Charlene, which I have to say her and Donna are my favorite nurses! It was the first time I had Charlene, but from the moment she came in I knew God let her be my nurse for a reason. He knew I already had an anxious night and had a tough day of steroids ahead of me, so Charlene was His gift to me. She brings laughter, smiles, and a positive outlook on even the darker days. She even tried to help James learn how to put my hair into a pony tail lol, which he will never fully learn lol.

Since 7 am arrived, it was my time for my steroids to enter my body in the fight for Asher. I was so grateful that God had got us to this point, as it meant we were helping Asher in his fight and also arrived at a point that if he would arrive, his chances for survival increased from 2% to 30%.

As Charlene prepared my steroids shot, she and James joked around because James has a fear of needles, yet I took needles like a champ lol. Before I knew it, the shot in my hip was done, and it simply was a pinch. Next the steroid through my IV was beginning. This was the steroid that some women referred to as "flu in a bag" due to nausea, headaches, hot flashes, exhaustion, etc. it could cause. I got to say the insertion of it through my IV was worse than the shot on my hip. It burned at first for about 30 minutes, but Charlene knew a trick to make me comfy. She placed a warm cloth over my arm, and that did help a lot. I am telling you she is an angel!

At first I got very hot. I had a fan blowing straight in my face to cool me off. The next thing I knew, I was as cold as an IceCube and goosebumps covered my body. However, I was able to eat lunch just fine. So far, I hadn't felt nautious. Instead it was dealing with hot flashes, chills, exhaustion, and an occasional headache, plus the urge to use the restroom a lot. So, I feel pretty blessed to be feeling as well as I am. I managed to even eat dinner. So God and Josh def. are here with me.

Being in the bed all day and basically plugged on to an IV machine, I had some God Moments form in mind. First of all, being tied to a machine means having the nurse and James help guide me to the restroom. The steroids also can make you feel like you are walking across a boat on a wavy sea. So, I was greatful to have them there each time and continue to be until 7:30 tomorrow morning. But this made me think of my brother. I now knew what it felt like to be in Josh's shoes, yet just for a day whereas he dealt with it most of his life on Earth. At night, Josh would lie in bed and have to use the restroom or simply just turn over, but he couldn't on his own. He had to yell across the hall for mom and dad to come help him, which like the nurse and James, my mom and dad were always right there the moment he called because of the amazing parents they are. I too have to push a call button to the nurse each time I need to use the restroom, and I too have to ask someone, usually James, to adjust me in bed as I tend to keep sliding down. It made me realize how much of a Saint my brother truly was. Even though this was his common day to day occurrence, never once did I hear him complain. Instead he showed his gratitude to all those who helped him, and accepted his life as a blessing because God made him that way for a reason. I miss my brother dearly, but I know he is now happy and free in Heaven, and I can"t thank God enough that he chose me to be one of his sister's. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be the woman of faith I am today.

So, soon the steroids will end. I will have a shot in my hip and end the steroid IV at 7:30 or so tomorrow morning. It may be one of those nights where I can't get comfortable and wish I was sleeping out in a cool breeze, but I wouldn't change one thing for my fight for Asher.

I love and appreciate all of you! I am so grateful to have you join us on this fight with God, all the Angels, and Saints. Asher is one blessed baby surrounded by prayer! We continue to ask for you powerful prayers as we unite together in this fight for Asher and lift it up to God, as he knows the best will for Asher and is an Amazing God! Please also pray for my anxiety to vanish as their are always tough bumps in the road as I continue to leak randomly. My faith remains strong in God, and I thank God for the beautiful Bible Verse of the day that he shared with me. He indeed knew what I would be feeling today. Thank you God! I truly love You above all things!